Dear Girlfriends,

"Don't use that tone with me, young lady." If there's a female child in your life, and she's talking, there's a good chance you've had the opportunity to use this line. If you haven't - well, clearly she has not yet entered puberty.

Respect. Most of us expect our children to respect us. But can they define it? Do our children know what it means because we've showed them, or because we've simply demanded it?

I define respect as an attitude of gratitude and the discipline of self-control. With the exception of a couple of hormonal outbursts when she was a pre-teen, our daughter Shauna has always been respectful. And now it's my turn to return the favor. You see, genuine respect is a two-way street, and the respect I want Ava to see is the attitude of gratitude I have toward her parents. I had a good role model for this one; I know what it looks like because my Mammaw showed me.

As I've shared with you in previous Truth Nuggets, my Mom struggled with substance abuse as the result of mental illness. As a child I idolized her but as I grew older, her issues became a source of embarrassment for me. By the age of 15, my respect-o-meter had hit an all-time low.

Taking my grievances to my grandmother, I ranted and raved. But not once, not once, in all my years of Mom-bashing would Mammaw join in. My beautiful gray-haired grandmother would quietly listen, and then remind me how much my mother loved me, as she gently turned the conversation to a more positive topic. Mammaw modeled for me that respect is not only something a mother hopes to receive from her child, but is something a mother also returns.

This topic cuts close to the bone for those of you who have been on the receiving end of negative comments made by a parent or an in-law. You know first-hand the pain this inflicts and how confusing it was for your child; how it totally undermines the philosophy of respect. Because you were hurt, you understand this intangible of genuine respect at a gut level, and most likely model it well for the children you influence.

Others, who have not lived through such an experience, might not fully grasp that every word out of their mouth has an impact on the child in their life. Snide comments, hurtful teasing, and unreasonable criticism can paint a picture for a child that their parent is undeserving of their respect. We so often forget that every word said and every tone used is either positive or negative. Nothing is neutral. Especially to a child and regardless of their age.

At the Sugar Pop (which is wherever Sugar and Pop live at the moment), we have begun to model genuine respect for Ava. As we feed her and rock her and play with her, we share with her the many charming characteristics of her Mommy and Daddy. Yes, she's only six months old, but she will learn this one cold: She's a blessed child to have these two awesome human beings as her parents. There will be no mom- or dad-bashing at our house, either.

Learning the ropes of parenting an adult child is not much different from parenting a newborn; it's all trial and error. We make it up as we go along, sometimes without thinking of the greater consequences of our actions. But today, I am thinking. And I'm thinking that what I say or don't say will have a lasting impact on Ava Lynn's understanding of genuine respect. And because I have something good to say, I'm going to take the time to say it.

Respectfully yours,
Ellen, a.k.a. Sugar

Posted by Ellen on June 25, 2008 3:11 PM  |  Category: What Does It Look Like?